A recent election poll indicates vegan independents and skydiving widowers are among the groups that will have a major impact in November.

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Mission specialist Robert Barrett first became suspicious when he noticed most of his tasks involved measuring his waist and eating cookie dough.

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The Chinese government explained that the fatal disease is caused by the excitement of the Olympics, not infected birds, as was previously reported.

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Cosmo scientists have finally cataloged every single way to satisfy your man's carnal cravings by stimulating his secret sex zones.

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The spokesdrone will field questions deemed too dangerous for a human press secretary, whose career could be irreparably damaged by answering them.

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'In The Know' panelists discuss whether our athletes will be able to escape the bamboo cages the Chinese government will try to imprison them in.

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Organizations hope to make youth see importance of getting prime parking spaces or a new desk lamp.

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Interviews with Alzheimer's patients indicated that an overwhelming majority are, in fact, perfectly fine.

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Today Now! shares a delicious omelet recipe you can make at home with just a few simple and surreal ingredients.

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Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food.

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Pausing only to eat, the West Highland white terrier yips and yelps 24 hours a day, according to neighbors.

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Both candidates are stepping up their efforts to attract crucial 'no values voters' by abusing animals and murdering the elderly.

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Before a new program to combat crystal meth can be put into place, Congress has to make sure it has a really awesome name.

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The threat of nuclear war hangs over the region with no end in sight, just as it has for the past three decades.

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President Bush will seek to comfort victims of his presidency as they try to make sense of the destruction he has caused.

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Unless Americans turn to alternative sources of entertainment, the 'Hannah Montana' star will soon be completely tapped out.

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Our morning show's political correspondent offers tips on how you can seem informed about politics without picking up a single newspaper.

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Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions.

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A recent survey of children found that they are overwhelmingly opposed to increased doctor visits and vaccinations. More coverage at: http://onion.com

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High school theater's brightest stars gathered last night to see who would take home the coveted award for Most Awkward Kiss. More coverage at: http://onion.com

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