Below is a transcript of the latest newsreel!
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Greetings, Praetoria! We of the Praetorian News Service bring you the latest accurate news of our planet, and of the conflict that engulfs our honorable majesty's realm! Lend an ear to me, citizens, and praise our loyal defenders as we engage the loathsome foes of Valhalla!
Recruitment offices are filled as citizen upon citizen lines up to fill the quotas of our laudable regiments. Here we see a Praetorian gentleman learning his way about a gun at the local regiment's training ground. Good luck, old boy, and give some of that lead to Valhalla! On parade in their bright uniforms, our soldiers seem to cry out as one voice, "Let us avenge the regiments martyred, and honor the memory of our brothers by shedding our blood!" By the looks of those bayonets, I'd say it's not our blood that shall be sacrificed, but those of our odious opponents.
Of course, not all Valhallans are brave enough to withstand the might of the Praetorian empire. Thousands have already surrender to our valiant and daring soldiers.
And yet Praetoria still needs you, loyal citizen. We need medicines and guns, and men to fire them and to make them. We must all fall in if we desire victory, and only by doing so can you rid our world of this oppressor. The fate of our people and our world rest in your hands!
This lad is Billy, a loyal, intelligent and obedient son of Praetoria. Hello there, Billy!
Uh oh, who is this?
Billy, does this man look like a friend?
Think again, citizen. This is a Valhallan. Sure, a Valhallan might seem like a friendly fellow, but let me clear up some of those rumors that their vile commissars spread for people like you, Billy.
Myth: Valhallans have children.
So far as our Praetorian researchers have been able to ascertain, there are no Valhallan women, only effeminate Valhallan men. So where do Valhallans come from?
Kidnapping, Billy. If given the chance, that man would kidnap you and raise you as another mindless drone in the depraved horde of conscripts.
Valhallans do not give birth to human children. In fact, they have been known to kill and eat babies!
Myth: Valhallans are simple minded pawns being manipulated to serve their overlords.
Many think that Valhallans are pitiful creatures deluded by their masters and forced into combat. This is surely not so.
What's that in his pocket, Billy? Why that's a letter to his comrades back on Valhalla! What does it say, Billy?
Why it says that he is happy to shed the blood of our brethren, and that he wants nothing more than to conquer our planet! Still think he's your friend, Billy?
Myth: Valhallans misguidedly believe they are serving the emperor by invading our planet.
This very convincing story comes straight from our front lines, as soldiers believe they heard the cries of Valhallan officers over the din of combat, urging their men on with the cry of "For the emperor." In truth, as recordings have proven, the officers are shouting, "Death for the emperor." Which of course is their intention. After defeating we Praetorians, the Emperor's best chance to suppress this horde, they wish to spread from one planet to the next, consuming our galaxy in their never-ending stream of vile hatred.
Servants of dark forces, the Valhallan is your enemy, not your friend.
We've learned a lot, Billy, haven't we? If ever a Valhallan tries to befriend you, remember these simple steps, young Praetorians:
1. Run away!
2. Find an adult!
3. Extirpate the threat!
That's right, Billy, now we know how to protect ourselves against Valhalla! Again, remember these simple steps, and make your family and your nation proud!
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