Airing Station - Fox
Airing Date - February 27, 1999
Episode - #418
Cast -
Michael McDonald - Stuart Larkin
Mo Collins - Doreen Larkin
Nicole Sullivan - Harley's Girl
Christian Duguay - Harley
GIRL: Hey, baby.
HARLEY: Since I sent you for smokes, it's been three hours.
GIRL: Well, somethin' funny happened to me today. Remember how you and me been wantin' a baby? Well, I found a baby at the mall.
HARLEY: Oh, no! You didn't!
GIRL: Honey, don't be mad at me! He is beautiful and he is outside and I want him!
HARLEY: Okay, geez. Bring him in.
GIRL: K. Okay, come on in, little one, it's okay.
STUART: You said that you had chickens!
GIRL: Well, yes, yes, we do have chickens. I will show you them in a minute. Is he just the cutest little orphan?
HARLEY: No. He don't look like no orphan.GIRL: Well, he is an orphan and it is tragic and I want him!
HARLEY: All right, all right.
GIRL: Go say 'hi' to your new daddy.
STUART: Don't!
GIRL: Go say 'hi' to your dadd-
STUART: Don't!
GIRL: Just go over and-
STUART: Do-on't!
GIRL: Well, he kinda spooks easily. Well, he-he likes food a lot. Offer him some of them chips.
HARLEY: Okay, dude, you want some chips?
STUART: Kettle cooked barbecue! That's my favorite! Put them down first.
HARLEY: Well, he's sure got a healthy appetite.
GIRL: That's because he's malnourished. He needs us!
HARLEY: Hey, little fella? You really got no momma?
STUART: Um...I wanted to have fast food for lunch, and my mama said, "What do I say about fast food?", and I said "I don't wanna say". And she said "Say it", and I said "Fast food gives you a fast death". And, and I said "But I want it anyway", and she said "No, and that's final". And then, I locked myself in the station wagon, and she said "Open up the door, Stuart", and I said "No, and that's final". And then she got mad and went inside to get the wooden spoon to give me a spanking, and that's when I ran away to the mall.
HARLEY: I knew it, he's no orphan, you have to take it back!
GIRL: No, baby, I don't wanna take him back! Don't you see how much happier he is here with us. Aren't you, sweetie? Aren't you?
STUART: Don't!
HARLEY: Looks like you kidnapped yourself a big brat!
STUART: You're a poopoo.
HARLEY: That boy kicks me in my own home!
GIRL: No, Harley, no, Harley! No! . Stuart, would you like to go see those chickens now?
STUART: Chickens fascinate me.
GIRL: Well, they're right out there in that yard, so go ahead and take a look.
STUART: Move! I need room! Move.
GIRL: You want me to take him back, don't you?
HARLEY: No, I got a better idea. We ransom him back to his momma, and we use that money to buy us a cuter kid.
GIRL: Well, that sounds kinda dangerous. Are you sure you just don't wanna keep Stuart?
STUART: Look what I can do!
GIRL: How much you think we can get from him?
DOREEN: Larkin residence. Hello?
HARLEY: We have Stuart and we want money.
DOREEN: Well, how much do you want, Mr. Kidnapper?
HARLEY: $10,000, cash.
DOREEN: Well, I can only afford 200, and it's going to have to be in a personal check.
HARLEY: Listen lady,either you give a thousand, or your kid gets it.
DOREEN: Ohahhh Ahh.... I wanna talk to Stuart, make sure he's okay. Huh?
HARLEY: Fine. Stuart, come here. Your mom's on the phone.
STUART: Well, I don't wanna talk to her, and neither does Henny Penny
GIRL: Stuart, if you talk to your momma, you can get some chips.
STUART: Mmm...Jalapeno Pepper and Vinegar with a hint of lime!
HARLEY: Just tell your mama to get the money.
STUART: What's that in your mouth?
HARLEY: A cigarette.
STUART: I wanna talk to my mom if I can smoke a cigarette.
GIRL: Stuart, you really shouldn't start smoking until you're at least 13.
STUART: Rrrgg..
HARLEY: Here you go, kid. Talk.
STUART: Uh... hello?
DOREEN: Stuart? Honey, it's mama! Are you okay? Are you alright?
STUART: Yes, I'm holding a chicken and smoking!
DOREEN: Well, you better not be smoking, young man. What does mama say about the smoking?
STUART: I don't wanna say.
DOREEN: Say it!
STUART: I don't wanna say!
HARLEY: Whatever it is, just say it!
STUART: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
DOREEN: That's right! Now you put out that ciggy!
STUART: Okay.
COP: Freeze, you're under arrest!
GIRL: Oh, shoot. I just wanted me a baby! Stuart, I will always love you!
COP: Yeah, yeah, yeah, take her away.
HARLEY: So long, brat.
STUART: Don't!
COP: Would you get rid of him? It's okay, Stuart, you're okay now. Let's get you home.
STUART: No, I wanna stay and eat chips and talk to the chicken.
COP: No, come on. We gotta get you home, your mom is worried.
STUART: Ah, my foot is in the phone! Don't! I'm free! I'm free!
DOREEN: Well, you sure had a big day.
STUART: Uh-huh.
DOREEN: Mama was very worried. You promise to never run away again?
STUART: Uh-huh.
DOREEN: I love you Stuart, you know that?
STUART: Uh-huh.
DOREEN: Yeah, well good. You like your dinner?
STUART: Uh-huh. What's in it?
Tags: MADtv Stuart: Kidnapped #1-2 Michael McDonald Larkin Mo Collins Doreen
